A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea," To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

  THIS IS WHY PARENTS DRINK A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion ... Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves. Then trading it with the other people, who live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2005

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

"It's Great To Be A Canadian!"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Two Friends:

  Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Newfie says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby,would that make us related?" The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

Subject: Fw: POLICE Officers Question: How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer ? Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICER Answer: (Immediate thought processes) Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan? Does he prefer to communicate in English or French? Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion? Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job? Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya? Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog? Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group? Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets? Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society? Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police? Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community? Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome and just doesn't understand what he is doing? Is he a member of the Muslim community or other visible minority group?Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICER

Answer: BANG!

AMERICAN OFFICER Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG!Click.... (reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.

Subject: Two Women Talking In Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I 'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic andsearched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds . I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1 st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer........ we'd both still be alive today.