During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one - "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked. "Just a minute, I have to go pee." The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!" "What about you John, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table." "And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper." The teacher fainted..

A hillbilly got married; and, on his wedding nighthe calls his father for advice on what to do, since he had never been intimate with a woman before. "We're in the bedroom, Pa. What do we do now?" Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her clothes off, and then you both get in bed." The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekkid; and, we're in bed. What do I do now?" Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked, "Did you take your clothes off, too?" "No." the son replies. "Well, take your clothes off, and get back in bed with her." The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're both nekkid and in bed. What do I do now?" The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, Son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pees!" The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be." "Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me." "Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up." "Husband #4 was in Tel emarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver." "Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state- of-the-artmethod." "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not." "Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it." "Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it." "Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look." "Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............ God, I miss him!".........

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're with the Government.......This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed"

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back To Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to School." ; After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think by mistake, I gave him my airplane glue."

 GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" Yes" comes back the answer. Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark. Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk Buddy

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND

THINKING,"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME. .HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT THIS ALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM,...OR COULD HE??? AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL. "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?" "YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED. HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

 Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf." With that the wolf jumps up and screams "Will you f--k off, I'm trying to take a shit!"

  An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very largecathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. ?"Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now, son - it's a local call".

KEEP SMILING

 Redneck Therapy......Some RED NECKS are smart. Redneck "Therapy Bubba" went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.. I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! My friend Curly cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!" "Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did Curly cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!!