Two buddies were on a fishing trip at the river:
Mike: "Frankie, let's cross the river."
Frankie: "I'll just stay on this side..."
Mike: "Why?"
Frankie: "Because I have varicose veins."
Mike: "I won't laugh at your wormy veins."
Frankie: "The fish won't be laughing either!"

That damn cat........ A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a nightlight, turned the answering machine on, and covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"The cab driver hit a parked car ...

A doctor saw one of his regular patients hobbling down the street, walking with one foot on the side-walk and the other down in the gutter. The doctor stopped him and asked him why he was walking that way.
"Oh, thanks for telling me doc. I thought I'd been limping since I left the bar!"

 A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!". Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away." Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle

Psychiatrist: "Johnny, your physical examination is good. You are eating well, sleeping well, and are quite happy. Do you have any complaints?"
Patient: "No, sir, I am 100% O.K."
Psychiatrist: "O.K., since everything is well, then I won't need to see you for another 3 months."
2 minutes later, a nurse hurries in: "Dr. Killmind, Johnny urinated in your aquarium before he left!"
Psychiatrist: "Oh, thank God!"
Nurse: "What?!"
Psychiatrist: "Thank God he didn't put another one pound brownish baby in to feed the fish!"

A patient's wife was really concerned about her husband. She phoned her husband's psychiatrist-
Psychiatrist: "Mrs. Sadder, I interviewed your husband yesterday. I think he is doing very well."
Mrs. Sadder: "Well, then how can I stop him from using my bottle of milk as his urinal?"

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly Jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Psychiatrist: "Boy, my feet have been sore for the whole morning."
Nurse: "It might be something to do with your wife's high heels."
Psychiatrist: "What do they have to do with my feet?"
Nurse: "You have been wearing them since you came in!"

Patient: "Miss Pillpusher, could you give me something for my constipation?"
Nurse: "O.K. Take this 'SUB.' You can do it in the washroom."
2 hours later
Nurse: "Leo, did you have any results yet?"
Patient: "Not yet, but that was an ugly, odd shaped pill to swallow!"

 A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." "The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Patient: "Doc, I swallowed my father's gold corn by mistake. What is going to happen?"
Doctor: "Don't worry, just tell your dad that your mom will be getting some gold nuggets for her birthday."

Client: "Sir, my parents always complain that I am too lazy. I don't think that I am lazy."
Counsellor: "No, it is called 'Take it easy' syndrome."
Client: "What will happen?"
Counsellor: "Well, prepare a pen, a sheet of cardboard and find a busy street corner downtown. You can go there for a pre-orientation before you are kicked out by your parents."
Client: "It must be a new career."

A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job".

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter." "You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy says, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Patient: "Doc, I feel very sick because I swallowed a big rat in my dream last night."
Psychiatrist: "Don't worry Johnny, just try to swallow a cat tonight in your dreams."
Next day-
Psychiatrist: "How do you feel today? The rat must be gone."
Patient: "Yes, the rat is gone, but the cat wants to stay!"

Dr. Sunray, a radiologist, had retired for 2 years. At a party, a doctor's wife asked Mrs. Sunray about Dr. Sunray's daily activities after his retirement.
Mrs. Sunray: "Oh, he keeps himself very busy."
Doctor's wife: "What is so busy about it?"
Mrs. Sunray: "He is doing 'CAT Scans.' Poor pussy-cat..."

The Bathtub Test: It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Patient: "Doc, I feel sick. I have butterflies in my stomach."
Psychiatrist: "Did the nurse give you some pills to help your stomach?"
Patient: "Yes, but they are still flying around inside."
Psychiatrist: "O.K. I will order some honey for these butterflies."
Two hours later-
Patient: "Doc, they are all quiet and sleepy."
Next day-
Patient: "Doc, I had butterflies in my stomach yesterday. They all came out dead when I was on the toilet a few minutes ago. I am sad because I killed these beautiful creatures."
Psychiatrist: "Don't worry, I know how you feel, Cindy. We prepared a butterfly dressing on your forehead in "memory of the butterflies."

Hotel Room, Hawaii
Acupuncturist: "How was my performance?"
Woman: "You are a very good acupuncturist. I didn't feel a thing!"

Music Therapist: "Mr. Wong, can you teach us to sing a short Chinese song?"
Mr. Wong, "Sure. Just listen. Ah - Ø * ^ > O AB Þ‡."
Music Therapist: "Mr. Wong, what is the meaning of that song?"
Mr. Wong: "Sing it in front of other Chinese people, and you will find out!"

"Recruitment Time- 2000 healthy young men needed to join the navy, ages 18-25 will all be examined."
A: "I don't want to join the navy."
B: "Me neither. Hey, I heard that if you're sick, you will be exempted."
A: "Lets eat a lot of hot peppers and we can say we have sore throats."
Examination room-
A and B were standing in line, waiting for the doctor to check them. Suddenly a young man walked in with an odd gait. He squeezed himself into line between A and B.
Doctor: "Is there anything wrong with you?" he asks A.
A: "I have a sore throat."
Doctor: "You can go now," he said, after examining A's mouth with his finger. The doctor then asked the young man the same question.
Young man: "I have hemorrhoids, sir."
The doctor examined the young man with his finger and also sent him home. Then the doctor asked B the same question.
B: "I am 100% fit sir! No sore throat, no hemorrhoids!"

11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

Emergency room. Doctor:"Mr. Smith, the police said that he drank too much and I have to examine you." Mr. Smith: " Hey Doc, I am o.k. I am not drunk." Doctor: " Mr. Smith, I turn the flash light on and it is shining on the ceiling. Can you climb up the light?" Mr. Smith: " Of course, I can climb up but I know that you will turn light off after I reached the ceiling."

A pharmacist tried to explain different supplement products to some senior citizens:
Pharmacist: "This red one is for your heart, the pink one for your stomach, white for bones, yellow for constipation, blue for sex libido, green for..."
Elderly man: "The black ones must be ink supplements for the octopus."

Patient: "Doc, I have visual hallucinations."
Psychiatrist: "What do you see?"
Patient: "I have been seeing medical people around me, such as doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, and even patients too."
Psychiatrist: "You are not hallucinating. You are in a mental hospital."
Patient: "Oh, my God! I have auditory hallucinations, too. A doctor just told me that I am in a mental hospital!"

In a bedroom, the phone rings-
Mary: "Hello? Oh, hi honey, what are you doing? O.K. I will see you tonight."
Jack: "Was that John?"
Mary: "Yes, he is going to do an emergency heart surgery together with you."

Professor: "How can you observe and tell that someone will be successful in the future? Give me 3 examples."
Student A: "Concentrate at your work when you work."
Student B: "Concentrate at your play when you play."
Student C: "Keep your mouth shut."

Psychiatric Hospital, Rehabilitation Ward-
Doctor: "Well, I noticed that everybody is happy and cheerful today. Can I share your happiness?"
PatientA: "My mother is coming to visit me tomorrow."
PatientB: "I can go out to visit my girlfriend."
PatientC: "Finally, I had a big bowel movement."
PatientD: "Oh, I am on cloud nine. I am pregnated by the Holy Ghost."
PatientD: "God just told me to get out of this place."

Patient: "Everybody, tomorrow is my birthday. I will give each of you a new car."
Staff: "Thank you, Bill."
The next day, 20 new cars were delivered to the front of the ward.
Staff: "Bill, how did you do that?"
Patient: "Nothing to it, I phoned the car dealer and told the sales manager that my name is B. Gates."

Pediatrician: "Pierre, how old are you?"
Pierre: "I am 5 years old."
Pediatrician: "How tall are you?"
Pierre: "I am three feet and seven inches."
Pediatrician: "Which finger is the longest?"
Pierre: "This one." (He points his middle finger straight to the sky with the others flexed.)
Pediatrician: "Finally, I found a genius to help Canada."

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Xmas and paying their own way."

A young psychologist dressed in a colorful outfit with dyed spiky hair was going to interview clients in the detox centre. His client Sam came in and sat in front of him. He kept staring at the psychologist.
Psychologist: "Sam, it is nothing strange at all. This is called fashion."
Sam: "No, it is not about fashion. I remember about twenty-five years ago, that one night I was drunk. I remember... I became a peacock... and I mated with another peacock.. I was wondering whether or not you are my son!"

Patient: "Doc, could you prescribe some the 'blue diamond sharp' pills for me ?"

Doctor:"Well, Mr. Smith....... I remember ....you are about 95 this year."

Patient:" Oh, Doc don't make me wrong. I just don't want to wet my shoes everytime I stand up to urinate."